Saturday, December 31, 2011

have a good one!

Monday, December 26, 2011

sing while your winning.

It's around this time of year that people often ask me - no really - what poptastic tunes I play to get the guests frugging away at the many parties I hold around Christmas and Hogmanay.

Well seeing as it's a time of sharing I thought I'd share my top ten party albums with you dear reader.

An with these, a bag of nuts (salted mind, none of your posh dry roasted rubbish), a few Davenports Party Sevens and a variety of crisps you're guaranteed a good time.


Saturday, December 24, 2011

the festive thing.

water sports for all.

A fairly short review for you now seeing as it's late here and that this has been sitting in a draft limbo for about four months.....

You know, it's a good job only about six folk read this, God help me if I had deadlines to work to or presents to wrap.

Shit...I do.

The Girls Rebel Force of Competitive Swimmers (AKA: Joshikyôei hanrangu, Nihombie 2, Nihonbi 2, Undead Pool. 2006)
Dir: Kôji Kawano
Cast: Mizuka Arai (AKA Chieri Haruyama), Sasa Handa, Yuria Hidaka, Hiromitsu Kiba,  Ayumu Tokitô and Hidetomo Nishida (There are many more folk too but I just can't be arsed listing them).


Aki (the tres cute-some star of a number of Juicy Honey collectable card sets, Handa) a former 'aqua terrorist' (what? You mean they go around committing atrocities to the strains of Barbie Girl?) has decided to turn over a new leave and give up her exciting international jetset life of crime to enjoy a normal, everyday one as a schoolgirl at a top Japanese school.

Unfortunately Aki's first day is anything but normal, poor lamb.

Not only do her new classmates decide that her welcome party should involve our cutie honey heroine being pushed into the swimming pool whilst still fully clothed (teasing bastards) but just as she's climbed out and dried off there's a sudden and inexplicable outbreak of a particularly virulent virus on campus that makes all those infected start to spew strawberry sauce from every orifice and begin to smell like a zoo.

How's your luck hen?

"Has anybody got any cans of orange juice?"

By one of those strange quirks of fate that only ever happen in 'the movies'  an emergency medical team - consisting of a scarily familiar, to Aki at least, doctor and stern yet shapely thighed nurse - suddenly appear from nowhere to assist the pupils and administer a vaccine.

Which would be good thing really if it didn't appear to make everyone's symptoms oh so slightly worse.

By that I mean that the injection turns everyone into scabby, short skirted flesh eating zombies.

Tho' that works for me.

As luck (and pervy plotting) would have it, Aki soon discovers that the chlorine in the school swimming pool counteracts the effects of the virus, meaning that as long as adorable Aki remains in her tight fitting swimsuit (and stays soaking wet obviously) she's safe from infection.

But probably not from the myriad of spotty youth watching...arms like body-builders after this I assure you. 

Doing what anyone would do in this situation, Aki persuades the (mostly attractive) school swimteam to suit up and hose down ready for battle against not only the every increasing army of the undead but also her musically minded former boss and mentor who has cunningly disguised himself (well, he's wearing a lab coat) as the 'friendly' doctor helping the infected.

You see, it turns out that the virus is all his doing but this is only part of his sick scheme.

A sick scheme that also involves touching the smooth and milky white genital area of as many young girls as possible.

Whilst playing a flute.

Dirty bugger/lucky sod (delete as applicable).

"Fiona! Where's mah lunch?"

Rushing headlong into battle against the evil doctor, Aki (not too surprisingly, we're only thirty minutes in) and her soggy sisters get a damn good beating, leaving our heroine lying vacant eyed in a pool of blood ready to be muched on by any passing zombie.

Fear not tho' dear readers, as Aki is bravely rescued by her shy (well up till this point) new best friend Sayaka (former Bukkake star Yuria Hidaka) and, in an act of kidness that will bring tears to viewers everywhere, nursed back to health with a mixture of noodle soup and having her breasts gently rubbed by Sayaka.

How sweet is that?

No need.

Laugh all you want because it seems to do the trick as in no time at all Aki is sitting up in bed and sharing her sad tale of life as a killer for hire whilst fastening the buttons on her flimsy white school shirt, the material straining to contain her honey dew breasts.


What follows is quite possibly the greatest fusion of dodgily translated subtitles, inappropriate incidental music and meaningful montage sequences ever committed to celluloid, featuring as it does slo-mo shots of Aki firing a machine gun whilst wearing a bikini, popping a butterfly knife into her pants, doing sweaty push ups with what looks like an orange in her mouth and sitting around topless looking bored.

Sheer genius.

"I've found the cars keys!"

The whole sorry tale is too much for the sensitive Sayaka who, with tears in her eyes reacts the only way she can.

And that's by stripping herself and Aki naked save their tiny pleated kilts before indulging in a totally realistic and completely essential to the plot lesbian sexy scene whilst moaning loudly.

And biting her lip at the point of orgasm.

Photobucket removed the scan of the lesbian sex scene so here's a naked blood soaked Japanese schoolgirl (with her nipples covered of course)

Ready for battle (and probably another lie down) Aki is set to face her nemesis one final time.

Will she emerge triumphant?

And, most importantly will she be naked?

Who let the dogs out?

Kôji Kawano, director of the classic teen lesbian drama Love My Life and the soya-based shocker Cruel Restaurant appears to have knocked out this lo-fi sleaze epic in a few hours between bouts of online gaming and frantic masturbation sessions, seeing as it consists solely of cheap gore and violence, random bouts of nudity and an abundance of soft core lesbianism aimed fairly and squarely at the 'I've never seen a lady naked except my mum' demograph.

Which frankly is a public service that must be applauded.

By no means perfect, it would be churlish (and a wee bit geeky) to point out this movies flaws and weaknesses when your average viewer is only watching for a glimpse of the square faced, hamster cheeked dream girl Sasa Handa's frankly stunning breasts.

So I wont.

Handa: Chinny Rackon.

Running at just under eighty minutes and just like your younger sisters pal that you get drunk and fiddle with occasionally when your between girlfriends, it never outstays it's welcome and the budget, although lower than John Leslie at Crufts is enough to make sure that things never looks too cheap (unlike the terrifyingly elongated faced Ayumu Tokitô who spends most of her sexy scenes looking like a bulldog licking piss off John Nettles), wildly throwing ever more bizarre characters and situations at the screen hoping at least a few will stick and cover the cracks.

Ayumu Tokitô: she'll even turn the milk chocolaty.


Fire breathing zombies?

A flute playing pervert in a lab coat?


And a heroine with a deadly laser beam built into her vagina?

It has all this and more.

Well I say more but in reality is has all this plus a copious amount of panty shots.

And breasts.

Lots of breasts.

Go on, you know you want to.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

bad dad mags (part one).

Friday, December 9, 2011

hal to pay.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Not one to plug stuff (unless it's my own work obviously) but felt I had to share seeing as this is one of the best mockumentary movies I've ever seen.

Tony Kern's Haunted Changi (reviewed way back here) could be Likened to one of those seldom repeated Christmas ghost stories of old so loved by the BBC or a particularly gruesome episode of Tales of The Unexpected, it builds slowly yet creepily towards it's shock climax, a lean mean tale of caution that works not only as a ghost story but also as a modern equivalent of an old fashioned folk tale akin to Hansel and Gretal.

Still trying to get a UK distribution deal (shame on the company that knocked it back, you know who you are) it's just been announced that readers in the US can now view this Singapore shocker for a limited time nationwide On Demand via cable, satellite and telco operators.


You should be.

Check the Haunted Changi Facebook page for more details or visit the official website here.

End of plug.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

seperated at birth?

Another of the tenuous celebs who look like something posts I occasionally do when bored and this time it's the light entertainment equivalent of Luke and Leia.

Scary eh?

Monday, December 5, 2011


Those lovely folk at High Rising Productions have been hard at work bringing the definitive guide to grindhouse cinema to the owe it to them (and your kids) to check it out.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

redundant pitches part one.

Been unboxing some odds and (dirty) sods from the wacky world of illustration here, so for your enjoyment a sure fire hit I tried to pitch to Fleetway at the tender age of 17.

Juan Dog: The adventures of a Mexican dog-boy art student cum detective.

Surprisingly they rejected it.

people you fancy but shouldn't part 35.

The Young Apprentice's answer to Mary Harron, Ms. Zara Brownless.





*To be honest it was a hard choice between Ms. Brownless and the fiery redhead Lizzie Magee but the Tron style white dress swung it.

Monday, November 28, 2011

frame game.

Sneaky peek at the background panels for the new 'Rosemary' cover.

Excited yet?

Full cover will be revealed soon!

Friday, November 25, 2011

rat scabies.

Rats: Notte Di Terrore (AKA Blood Kill, Les Rats de Manhattan, Rats: Night of Terror 1984)
Director: Bruno Mattei
Starring: Richard Raymond, Alex McBride, Richard Cross,
Moune Duvivier, Henry Luciani, Cristoph Bretner, Ann-Gisel Glass and the fantastic Geretta Geretta.

It is the year is 225 A.B. (the A.B. stands for  either after the bomb or absolute bollocks, take yer pick.) and the world as we know it has gone forever.

Nuclear war has decimated our beloved planet Earth.

Well, a bit of it just outside Rome.

But luckily humanity survived by retreating underground to wait out the ecological crisis that undoubtedly followed. 

Tho' we wont get to see that because it'd be way too expensive.

Unfortunately an argument over whose turn it was to wash up causes a major split amongst the survivors, forcing a small band tp return to the planet's surface to live as 'scavengers', roaming the barren wasteland like a community centre panto version of Mad Max, searching for food, fuel, Fairy liquid  (those dishes wont do themselves) and - from the look of them - an 80's Top Shop's to stock up on legwarmers, day-glo eyeshadow and zippered, rising sun t-shirts.

The others must have just stayed inside watching reruns of Jeremy Kyle or something. 

Kurt: queer as folk.

One particular group of these junior road warriors led by the bouffanted, bleached and bearded Kurt (stuntman turned actor Raymond looking like an aborted Gibb brother) stumble across an abandoned town (although how you can stumble across a town escapes me) and, after a quick nosey about the immediate area, being careful not to stray too far off the backlot, immediately enter what looks like a cheap Eurohostel to look for food and water.

What they find inside is beyond their wildest dreams tho'; boxes of fresh food, some porn, boxes of tissues, a big water purifier in the basement and a hydroponic nursery.

Shelter, food, fresh water  and top shelf wanking material - everything they need to survive.

Cue a few scenes of slightly uncomfortable food-porn that includes a scruffy middle aged beardie man pouring sugar into his mouth and eyes exclaiming "Sugar!" and Kurt munching a bag of flour shouting "Yum! flour!" before emptying the rest of the bag over the exquisite Chocolate (horror goddess and all round superstar Geretta Geretta).

A scene worth rewatching just to admire possibly the worlds greatest genre actress (and part-time Amazon) in action.

Jenny Spoon, the token anorexic of the group, bored with watching her pals play hide the sausage (literally) notices that a freshly laundered bed in the corner of the hi-tech dining room is mysteriously moving and heads over to investigate.

Tho' I'd be more concerned with why someone would pop a bed in their dining room if I'm honest.

Slowly easing her way toward the bed with her dirty, shaking skeletal fingers stretched out like someone's Nan attempting a birthday hand job, she's surprised to find that beneath the clean, and soft Postman Pat blankets lies a putrefying corpse.

With dozens of rats gnawing at the bones!

Billie Piper, up the casino, 1998...yesch!

Now, just put yourself in their shoes for a second...what do you think is the most terrifying thing about this scenario? 

The half chewed body in the bed or the fact that it appears that the rats must of attacked this man as he slept, then pulled the covers up and made the bed in an attempt to play an hilarious Jeremy Beadle style prank on the next people to turn up?

Ignoring all of this tho' and deciding just to chalk it up to experience, our motley crew decide to explore the buildings computer room to see if the internet is still working giving them a chance to download some cheerleader porn before bed.

It's great to know that even after a nuclear holocaust that peoples priorities are still right.

Anyway, before settling down for a good nights kip (not a night of terror- with rats - we hope)  the criminally camp technology egghead Vic Video (Il capo dei capi's Gianni Franco AKA Richard Cross) lives up to his moniker by finding the buildings light switches.

After first accidentally starting an 'eliminate intruders' program obviously.

And with that the group settle down to bed.

As the air is filled with the dulcet sounds of snores and farts, ball headed bad boy Barry Lucifer (
star of the hit teevee series Cas de divorce's Bretner) and his scarily googly eyed girlfriend Lilith (Duvivier), overcome with passion start having 'the sex' in a cosy double sleeping bag in the corner.

And they say romance is dead.

Luckily for all the folk trying to get a good nights kip (and for us if I'm honest) the zip in the bag sticks before Lucifer (as he so romantically puts it) can "blast off baby!" leaving the horny devil to stomp off to the bar to drown his sorrows.

And no doubt choke his chicken.

"Is it in yet?"

Coming across (not literally mind) Video, Jeff and Spoon getting slowly drunk on Meths in the corner, Lucifer opens his heart to his pals who promptly take the absolute piss out of him for getting stuck in a bag (the sleeping variety not Lilith) causing him to stomp off leaving his buddies crying with tears of laughter and shame and his lanky lady alone in the aforementioned broken zipped bag.
That she can't get out of....remember this, it may be important later.

Stumbling about with a bottle of cheap booze and a Pot Noodle shouting "You're my best mate" at various tables, Lucifer fails to notice the army of red eyed rats slowly approaching him whilst  Lilith, drifting into sleep in another room is oblivious to the single rat (obviously the only one not terrified by her teeth) slowly gnawing its way into her sleeping bag.
A sleeping bag that will soon become her tomb.

Of death.

Funnel or tunnel?

Lucifer meanwhile is still boozing away and shouting at random objects when he comically falls down an open manhole whilst trying to avoid a banana skin and as he tries in vain to hoist himself up is suddenly jumped on by hundreds of hungry rats intent on stealing his wallet.

Kurt and company startled awake by cries of "Aaarrrghhh! rats!" are even more surprised to find Lilith lying stiff as a board in her sleeping bag.

Surmising that Lucifer must have strangled her at the height of passion our merry mentalists decide to find him and hopefully the truth regarding lanky Lil's death.

But as they're about to leave, Lilith's body begins to convulse and shake (pretty much like my Auntie when she had a stroke, just not as arousing) as a rat suddenly emerges from her mouth!

"Maybe it wasn't Lucifer after all" Chocolate guesses.

No shit.

Rat in mah shitey wee mooth!

Finding all this rodent based carnage a bit much to deal with this early in the morning, the gang decide to head for the bikes and get the hell out of Dodge (as they say) only to find that the rats have scoffed all the tires.

This leaves Kurt in a difficult position.

Do they:

A. Leave/carry the bikes and run away from town and from the killer rats?

B. Go back into the (killer rat infested) building, board themselves in (with the rats) and wait till morning to leave (when the rats are asleep obviously)?

Yup they decide to leg it out of town.

No not really, they actually go back inside and hurriedly board up every window.

Save the one the rats will no doubt attack thru' later of course. 

One by one the gang are outsmarted by the rats, the older Chuck Norris/George Eastman alike is attacked in the hydroponics (painful), one gets a few wee bites and has a flamethrower taken to him (which is a bit extreme really) and blonde bombshell and former Italian Playboy  Playmate of the month (September 1978) Cindy Leadbetter gets nibbled on whilst standing at that unsealed window (doh) and goes a wee bit potty.

Diane: Nice flat stomach, face of f*ckness.

As if the night (of terror) couldn't get any worse, sweaty pudding headed chubster Duke (Erotic Games star Luciani) has decided that he wants to take control of what's left of the gang, pushing his chest out and scowling "I could do that better! You Smell!" etc. in Kurt's general direction at the most inopportune of moments. 


This testosterone fuelled angriness and general unpleasant behavior culminates in him kidnapping permanently slack jawed Myrna (Ann-Gisel Glass, now a major French TV star who surprisingly doesn't actually list this movie on her agents website and denies all knowledge of it if you send her the DVD to get signed) before threating to steal the groups one remaining vehicle. 

It wont come as too much of a surprise to anyone watching that the car in question is full of rats so Duke calmly decides to clear them out by dropping a hand grenade on them.

Fair enough it kills all the rats but unfortunately also kills himself and Myrna instantly. 

If not sooner,  proving his leadership skills weren't up to much after all.

Whilst all this drama is going down, Diane has decided to wander off in a sulk after catching sight of the woeful make up job she has and after screaming "I wont let you eat me!" (which raised a snigger here at least) slashes her wrists.

She's not really thought this thru' tho' as no doubt the rats will probably still gobble her up anyway, it's not like they're fussy eaters.

It's about now that Kurt's manly visage begins to slip as he disintegrates into a blubbing mess, shooting randomly at Diane's body ("She was covered in those beasts!") before sobbing like a big girl. 

Now it's down to Chocolate, a bald man whose name escapes me and Video to save the day.

Frankly I reckon they're screwed.

"I can see your house from here Peter!"

Unluckily for Kurt (but lucky for the poor sods having to carry him) he gets squashed by a large cardboard door within a few minutes of his great emoting scene.

If that wasn't embarrassing enough tho' it's only the wee baldy man who can be bothered to even try and rescue him, meaning the pair get eaten by rats whilst lying in a sweaty, shit covered mess.

Faced with so much carnage, Chocolate (still looking gorgeous by the way) and the bubble permed Video decide the best course of action is to run away screaming before hiding inside a few handy boxes.

But these rats are smart enough not to be confused by such a cunning disguise and licking their ickle thin lips edge closer and closer to our desperate duo.

Chocolate has heard rumours that they'll eat her whole but Video is pretty sure that they'll spit that bit out.

Suddenly as if by magic a group of strange bio-suited figures appear from the sewers and by using what appears to be Baby Bio sprays manage to kill the all rats.


But who are these mysterious strangers? 

Are they friend or foe? 

Are they even human?

Or could they possibly be giant rat people in yellow jumpsuits?

I'll let you guess, all I'm saying is that it's great that Kevin the Gerbil's career continued after ITV cancelled Rat on The Road.

 Spoiler warning: this picture may
give clues to the films shock ending.

It takes a special kind of person to even consider mixing such diverse influences as Mad Max, The Muppet Movie and Willard, let alone to actually go ahead and make such an entertaining movie out of them.
And for this reason we must praise the late lamented genius that was Bruno Mattei. 
I mean what can you possibly say about such a heady brew of action, gore, leather trousers, beards and nudity seamlessly mixed with stunning effects (the rat army is a hand drawn conveyor belt with dozens of dogs squeaky mouse toys glued to it) helped along by  top notch dialogue and topped off with a frankly fantastically farty Eurohorror synth score?
Plus it features the magnificent Geretta Geretta (in case you'd forgotten) decked out in cool combat gear and cradling a huge gun.
C'mon, what's not to love?
They should teach Mattei in film school.
But then they'd have to point out that his Jaws 'homage' Cruel Jaws was shite tho'.

Swings and roundabouts really.